The Intersection

Written by Tina Kramer

Caution: Blog contains traumatic events

Memory from 2008

While standing in the living room, I weep as I talk with one of my relatives.

“Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong!” The sobs burst forth like gushing water from a broken levee.

Waves of postpartum depression and PTSD rage against my sanity, pushing me further and further away from the shores of stability.

In the midsts of the sobbing, the secret is revealed:

“When you were little, your mom tried to kill you three times. She took you to a mountain and starved you. Then she put you in the middle of an intersection hoping a car would hit you. She also tried to overdose you on sleeping pills.”

The sobbing stops as my confused mind enters into a fog. There is an ache in my gut as if someone has punched me in the stomach. Time stands still as I try to process her words.

Reflection

I was 36 years when I finally heard the complete story. I knew about the sleeping pill incident, but the other two attempts were hidden somewhere deep in my subconscious. To this day, I only remember small segments of those tragedies, but their coils of fear lurk deep inside of me. How can I heal from things I barely remember?

So far I have shared what I remember about two of the three events. What about the third? The incident about the intersection, I cannot find inside my memory. But somehow, my body seems to know where it took place. I believe it happened where Routes 722 and 272 intersect in Lancaster County. Sometimes my body will tense up as we pass this location, as if it remembers this traumatic experience and is trying to get my memory to unlock the details.

I was a complex trauma survivor. By age 5, my mother had tried three times to “send me to heaven.” By the time my father received custody of me, I was one traumatized little girl. The following year, it was nearly impossible for me to go to sleep at night without him close by. I would call out that I saw spiders on the wall and ask him to search my bedroom for the spiders. I always wanted the light on in my room. I remember my father sitting on the floor next to my bed waiting for me to fall asleep.

Even at age 53, I do not like darkness or spiders. But I am no longer a complex trauma survivor-I am becoming an overcomer! Through your prayers, God is healing me. I am growing stronger in facing fear and moving forward in life. I am confident that God will use my story to encourage others to face their fears, too!

I often reread my blogs to remind myself what God has been teaching me on this journey. I wrote the excerpt below to remind myself of God’s love for me. It is based on verses from the Bible. I hope it will be a blessing to you!

To my beloved daughter,

Before I created the world, I chose you to be my child (Eph. 1:4-5). This adoption is secure and sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. There is nothing that will separate you from my love (Rom. 8:39). I promise to never leave you. I will never abandon you (Heb. 13:5). I will gently lead you. I am your rock when your emotions rage, when your fears crush. . . I am your refuge, your fortress. Pour out your heart to me. I will always listen (Ps. 62). I delight in you. You are precious to me.

With all my love,

Your Heavenly Father

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