Hiding in the crawl space on the third floor is a grey tote filled with journals, photos, and letters. While searching through these mementoes of our past, a small note catches my eye because of the familiar handwriting. The handwriting is of my mother Irene.
“To my very own dearest daughter. . . .Please forgive me for crazy ideas. What I must have put you through. Please, please forgive me. I love you. . . .Mom
My mom died over 20 years ago. How surprising to discover this note at this time. Have I fully forgiven my mom for the harm she did to me? As I write these words, a deep ache fills my chest. I am still processing the pain. There are so many levels of hurt it is hard to know where to start.
My past is like a jigzaw puzzle that someone dumped on the floor, and it’s missing a bunch of pieces. Some of these pieces were not found until decades after the events took place. Bit by bit, I have been putting the pieces together from my memories and the memories of others.
Why didn’t I ask my mom about these missing pieces when she was alive? I didn’t want to hurt her with those painful memories. She lived with such guilt for what she did; I wanted to help her heal, not cause her more pain. But now I am the one who is hurting. My heart bleeds, and I don’t know how to heal this deep wound.
Drawing and painting helps me express my sadness. I drew this picture and used it during a recent therapy session. As I shared about the picture, a new meaning came out. I said, “Butterflies can’t fly very well when their wings are wet. I feel like the butterfly in this picture. I want to fly, but so many sad things keep happening to me. I am having a hard time getting up off the ground.”
A few weeks later I updated the picture. (See first photo of blog). In the second picture, the tears of the rose have transformed into a butterfly. The second butterfly is off the ground and starting to fly. I sense that I am slowly transforming, and my life is taking flight.
50 years since the abduction and trauma
45 years since the death of my father
20 years since my mother’s death
The time has come for me to heal from the past.
The time has come for me to process the pain and loss.
The time has come for me to spread my wings and fly!
Thank you, too, all who pray for our family. God is doing an amazing work in our lives through your prayers! Your prayers are the wind beneath my wings.
Prayer Update
- Our choir did an excellent job. My solo went well.
- Ultrasound showed that a nodule in my thyroid has increased in size. A biopsy was performed. Thankfully, the test result showed that the nodule was benign.
- Energy level is low, but still much better than last year. I currently have a sore throat/cold I am fighting.
- I am making progress in therapy.
healinghope4women 