Written by Reni Weixler, MA, LPC, CPC
A few years ago, my friend, Mary, shared her journey with her cousin, who was starting trauma therapy. She didn’t share many details — just that her cousin found someone she trusted and that she was ready to do the work. Mary didn’t fully understand what that meant at the time, but she could tell it was big. Brave. Scary. Important.
The weeks that followed weren’t what she expected. One day her cousin was chatty and laughing over coffee like old times; the next, her cousin canceled their plans at the last minute, saying she just needed to be alone. At first, my friend felt a little helpless. Was she supposed to say something? Do something? Stay close? Back off?
If someone you love is going through trauma therapy, you might find yourself in a similar spot — wanting to support them, but not quite sure how. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Healing Isn’t a Straight Line
There were days when her cousin seemed lighter, like a weight had lifted. But there were also days she felt heavier, quieter, distant. Mary came to understand that this was part of it. Trauma therapy isn’t a neat, predictable path. It’s more like a spiral, looping back on itself, revealing layers that take time to process.
You might notice your loved one is more emotional than usual. They may revisit painful memories or struggle with things that didn’t seem to bother them before. This doesn’t mean they’re going backward. In fact, sometimes falling apart is part of healing.
Try to remember: healing doesn’t always look like progress. But showing up for themselves — and having you show up too — is progress.
2. Be a Safe, Steady Presence
Mary once asked her cousin if there was anything she could do to help, and she said, “Just keep being here.”
It turns out, you don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to say the perfect words. You just need to be a calm, consistent presence — someone they can trust to be gentle with their heart.
Think small: a weekly check-in, a quiet walk together, a simple “thinking of you” text. Or:
- “I know you’re doing some hard work right now. I’m proud of you.”
- “You don’t need to explain anything. I’m just here.”
- “Whatever you’re feeling is okay. I’ve got you.”
These little things add up. They help your loved one feel seen and safe — without pressure.
3. Expect Shifts — and Don’t Take Them Personally
There was a time when Mary’s cousin started saying “no” more — to events, to late-night calls, even to long conversations. Mary said it did sting a little. But then her cousin told Mary, “It’s not about you. I’m just learning what I need.”
Therapy may help your loved one set boundaries they hadn’t before. They might change how they relate to people or take more space for themselves. It can feel like the dynamic between you is shifting — and it might be. But that’s not rejection. That’s growth.
Try not to take it personally. Give them the room to become who they’re healing into.
4. Ask — But Honor the Answer
Sometimes the best support is simply asking, “How can I support you right now?” Just don’t be surprised if the answer is, “I don’t know,” or “I need space.”
Don’t take silence as a sign you’re failing them. Even when they can’t articulate what they need, the act of asking reminds them they’re not alone.
5. Don’t Forget to Take Care of You
This part is often overlooked, but it matters: your experience counts, too.
Supporting someone in therapy can bring up old emotions or make you feel unsure of your role. It’s okay to name that. It’s okay to seek your own support — from a friend, a therapist, or a community. You’re not expected to carry everything without help.
When you’re grounded, you’re better able to offer steady support — and to not lose yourself in the process.
Walking beside someone as they do the deep work of trauma healing is not always easy. But it is an act of love. Your presence — not your perfection — is what matters most.
by Reni Weixler, MA, LPC, CPC
Photo by Tina Kramer
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